� Hangman � 2003-05-28 � 9:39 p.m. �
Once again, I don't know where I end and where I begin.
Truth is, I haven't had a fair shot at ANYTHING in this life, and I other than here, I don't complain about it. I believe that what is, is, for a reason beyond myself... for reasons not necessarily spiritual.
There are things I do know without doubt. This life of mine is hard. Everytime I turn my head it gets harder... and there will soon come a piont, if I am not there already, that I can't do it anymore... that I can't fight or wait or walk in mud until the next time.
I cried at work today for the second day running... yesterday because I am losing motor skills... slowly... preception is going... and today because normality was taken from me by a man who doesn't know me. Because I was angry at him... at everyone. Because, moreover, I am so fucking sick of fighting.
If not for love and strength of the ties that bind me, I wouldn't be standing. This I know. But even then, the ties pull only so far.
I cried tonight talking to Blair... talking to Mum... and they both speak like they can walk me through it... but they can't. I know the outcome is simple surgery... but for me THIS IS square one. I've lived this before... and 19 years later I haven't forgotten any of it. Not the pain... not the hard work and MONTHS and MONTHS of invasive physiotherapy. I remember it clear as day.
What is wrong with the world of doctors that they cannot take one child born under unusual and difficult circumstance and let her live a happy, carefree life? What is WRONG with them, that she has to go year in and out on different idea of who she is and why is the way she is? What is wrong with them, that they know so little to help her, but always have a good excuse?
I might have CP... I'll probably have MS... my feet, arms, legs don't work, my brain... only when it cares to... I take NO medications religiously because I am undiagnosed mess. They can't say anything for certain so I usually go without... unless I am depressed about it, they'll feed me uppers and a little Baclofen to help the pain. What is Baclofen? A medicine used to treat both CP and MS... go figure. Bastards.
And so I walk in to an office for something simple and I leave so unsure of myself once again. I have no answers and I surely don't know what I did to deserve this....
In my last life, I must have stood by the gallow's pole.
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