� How dreams remind me � 2003-05-28 � 7:49 p.m. �
I had a dream of S. last night... I am not sure what it was all about. Maybe it is guilt for not making an effort to see him while I was home... or guilt that I never took his heart seriously.
Home is all gossip... and everybody knows everyone else's business and it never became more apparent to me than when S.'s ex's father made a comment in my direction... about us and this fantasy wedding we joke about. It confused me, a little.... unnerved me more... It was as if, from across the country, I had something to do with his daughter's heart break. I know nothing about it. I haven't seen, touched or talked to S. in years. Reality is there simply is NO us... that we're friends and I honestly, though maybe naively, believed S. was all jokes.
In my dream last night, I held his hands for hours... trying to stumble around the words to tell him I am not comimg back there. It was strange... S. and I never have a serious conversation about anything... even if we tried, one or both of us would be in stitches within in seconds... or with our tongues hanging out and looking at eachother crossed eyed. It seemed odd that a dream with him in it would be so completely serious.
I suppose it did nothing more than make me think about him beyond the silliness I normally would.... and wonder how he is... Made me think for a moment what my life would be like if I took his countless marriage proposals seriously...
I thought today of his kindness... of all the nice things he's done for me. My 18th birthday I was suffering through a herniated disc.... everyone else went out to party and be drunk on my behalf, but S. stayed home with me... laying beside me on the floor with his feet on a kitchen chair beside mine.... and shared silly stories and making me laugh to tears. Before that night I didn't much care for him... thought him a little thick... but after that a big piece started to love him, though I'd never admit it. And that night goes down as one of the best birthdays with one of the best gifts I could have...I am sure he doesn't know it.
I wish I had some way to tell him that... some way to apologize for the way I am about his feelings... and though I love Blair completely now... i was dumb four and five years ago not to look his way. Dumb not to listen a little harder to everyone around me.
I just want him to know that... how unfair I know I have been... how lightly I took him... almost mockingly. I want him to know how sorry I am....
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