� Suicide Songs � 2006-03-27 � 6:23 p.m. �
My phone rings... and it goes like this... in translation, of course...
"I'm having a hard time going forward, with accepting that you didn't just go forward, but you never felt like I was something to move on from. You were right, I do love you more than I could love her.
Anyway, I learned how to played guitar and I want to play a song for you. Be patient."
The ruckus of the phone shifting, and his hands making room for the guitar fill space, as I try to understand why we're always going over this. I define this love so uniquely... I loath it more than anything...
"I stole this from that British Military man who could be me, if I was a Brit."
and he strums... the words paralyse me.
"Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me."
"Happy Birthday, my friend. It's the best I can do with miles between us, and it's the best gift I can give you all around. I want to let go, and I want you never to feel bad for the past. I want you to live a beautiful married life and I want your husband to love you the way I did when we were kids, but without the bullshit, you know."
All I can manage... as I was sure as the sun will forever set, that this one would never let go, nor easily let me be happy... all I can say is... "That sounds like a suicide note..."
"In many ways, I guess it is..."
I've been waiting for this moment for 11 years... for him to see that I deserve better... Tonight it belongs to me.
Calm, unexpected... and true.
Yes, Happy Birthday to me.
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