� completetion � 2003-10-31 � 9:43 p.m. �
Tiredness is ruining me. I am only 23.
My greatest accomplishement of late is making it all of October without having a sick day... or rest day... or day I needed to stay in bed. That is sad, and I am aware of it.... but I have also to give in to knowing that these are the cards I have been dealt... and play them, I will.
I didn't do much today... I went to work, but other than a menu, a couple of business cards and a billboard banner... I didn't do much. I even knocked off a bit early.
Halloween is fun... but for whatever reason it lacked in spirit this year. I did carve a pretty cool Mummy pumpkin for Blair's mum tonight... and though I could barely stand when i was done, I enjoyed it. I couldn't manage the intricate eyes... so his mum did them for me.
Coordination is losing me... as is feeling in my limbs... and I know it is the same old story here... and always... but this is my place to cope... I haven't mentioned the recent bout to anyone... I guess maybe I am a little afraid of slipping again... and if I deny it, I won't... or so the story goes.
Though the numbness in my arms and veins as black as sin might have something to do with each other... but again... with this fallen down shed... who really knows?
JP once said that being tired is more worrisome than being sick... and though he might not know... I think of him saying that often... when I feel this way... when I feel lacking... I think of those words.... and he's right... or perhaps it is the combination of illness and exhaustion that is the worst disease of all... when life.... emotion... past, present, and meek future all collide... head strong... and all I want to do is catch my breath.
I feel ninety. I KNOW no one can understand this... my need be lonely... my need to be without noise and music and people so young and so fucking stupid... wasting away the good years to dance around memories they pretend they'll never forget, only to never remember again.
I know no one can quite grasp the concept of my feeling like I have already lived...
Perhaps that is the worst of it all... knowing it. Knowing what is and what isn't. Knowing tomorrow doesn't exist in the same sense of today... knowing that life really does end abruptly... and painfully... and it doesn't have to kill you to do it.
Count your fortunes - you're dumb to this.
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