� Strip me down � 2002-09-03 � 7:42 p.m. �

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I cried when I got into the car after work tonight...

That hasn't happened in the longest time... and I wasn't crying in the physical pain I usually endure and hold back in a day... but for many reasons beyond my desk and the work sitting on it.

I think my world and the stress of everything hit me as the steel door locked behind me.

So I sat with Blair - touching my face and holding my hands as he does always when I cry... and danced around my problems like they exist mostly at work.

Somehow that just seemed easier than melting in the heat of reality.

We sat in the parking lot for a while so he could listen and I could cry and we left just before my boss was due to walk out the door... I didn't want him to see me... he woulda hugged me or given me tomorrow off or something... even worse... we'd have a long talk in his office when I really don't have time for that. Understanding is his weakness.

I am too weak to live these days... I am not strong enough to meddle through everything and pretend I am ok. I am not sure why I feel I need to - why my past has control of all I do.

I feel broken. I feel lost... I feel like the ones I've tried to protect from pain, I've let down somehow.

I feel like I can't let go.... like it won't let go of me.

I'm being held under water and I need so badly to breathe.

~Strip me down and set fire to the stake.~

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