� Smacked UP all the time. � 2002-04-24 � 6:41 p.m. �
The Diety speaks to the entry that was his. So this is the first priority in my evening... giving him his voice.
"I knew one day we would end this way. I knew I would stain you.
You're right I am ugly. I have done a million ugly things. I've worked hard at nothing and when I've had to release all that is bad, I released it on to you. I haven't shown much for friendship or for gratitude.
That doesn't mean i don't love you. Just that I have a strange sense of expressing it I guess.
But I have my nighmares too. I sleep at night and I imagine the pain you live because I introduced it to you.
I watched you grow up. I know the opinions of those fifteen that hate me and I know how you struggled to look away. And I thank you for that past.
But I don't know if you write about me or this habit. Is that my black core? I know it's bad and worse to hide it from you. That's why I have been drawn.
I amazed I can sit and write these words, i am thinking so many things, and thoughts of you and I - when we friends they way friends should be - consumes me. And then I need a hit again. Ok NO I am not blaming it on you again. We both know better, it's just that life is hard when I have it all and all alone.
And that's no excuse.
I am ugly and I took a sweet girl and I made her see in shades of ugly too. Something I can't take back for this world and trust me, Hon, I want to.
So yes, it's better you realized that than tried for years to get us back to good. I am sorry. i am sick. I need help. I never meant to push you away for the last while. I didn't mean to lash out at you.
I just don't think when I am smacked. I can't. Have no control over what I do."
All I hear is more excuses... and I've been here with you a thousand times... there comes a point where I need to be the age that I am. Where I can't worry about you. I have a full life now and, for that, there is no room.... not room for smack habit... but there is room for you.
It's not that i don't love you. I can't help but hate what you do.
� previous � next � comments � diaryland � old �