� For a Boy I know... � 2002-03-18 � 6:27 p.m. �
Dear Brother,
Six years a full circle... and I haven't forgotten a thing...
It's nothing i want to remember... but the force of love makes me.
I am sorry... I would call if I knew what to say... but all i would do is this... cry.
I have a memory solid, you know that... there isn't a detail of that day that fails me... or the day before that... nor the days to follow... I changed so much in an instant... our whole lives... individually and as a family... turmoiled.
I remember well what you wore... the way you looked... your scent and your feel... I don't know which of those things stung me more.
It was watching your baby-blue eyes turn to clay.
Nothing will ever be the same... I know that better than you think... That began the end for me... I was a girl to a mess in less than a half hour... i forgot how to smile... how to laugh and to feel anything but pain... I was reduced to tears and the beginning of a life-of on and off-again depression...
What I felt wasn't me... I was feeling you... watching you, killed me. And you know... I decided to move to get away from it... to find peace without driving past the same old scenes... without watching you drink and smoke your life away...
I tried so hard not to hate you... but the childish side of me did. And I am sorry... the closest thing to love at it's strongest is hate... Maybe I had them confused.
Now all I know is how much I love you... and how bits of me are lost with you.
I cried three or four times in the bathroom today... I couldn't control my saddness... my anger. You were born with that curse, and I'll never accept that understand that or live that through.
This day.. the sorrow... and the pain... won't ever go away...
When you sit in saddness and die inside... somewhere across the country I am dying too.
With all my love, with all i am... there isn't much I wouldn't do if I take this all away from you.
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