� RainMaker � 2001-12-18 � 8:28 a.m. �
Life's a challenge... always has been...
I don't know many people who can say they remember their first steps in life... twice.
I don't know many who've been through hell... walked through it and just kept on going... but well, you know, that's me and that's my life...
I don't care if I've done this 22 times around... I don't care if I know it so well that any other given time I could have done this in sync.... with the powers of life and the powers that be...
But when does it all get to be easy for me?
I am not really up for the challenge of flu.... I can take 5 steps before collapsing in pain... and sadly it's about 15 steps to the loo.... more like 30 if I go to the other loo... I don't want to cave to the pressure of this thing eating me. I don't want to not walk... not think... not be able to write, or draw.
And now... when I might need you more than I ever have you tell me this disease is stressing you.... Sweet.
You tell me you see that I sit here being victim... I don't sit here by choice... I can't walk... meaning I can't get up to be proactive... besides which I lost my cape of dreams and things to fight for long before you knew me.
You tell me you can't do this... well I guess that's the one thing we share...
I'd much rather watch than be... but I don't get that choice...
And you say you want me to go back home... Yeah I need you not to want me more than I need this whole in my head and heart.. more than I need any excuse to lay in bed and cry...
You say you think you don't make me happy... leave me... and see how happy I'll be.
I never ever said living with me would be easy... or worry-free... I never thought I'd be here a year and everything I could ever do would slowly start to fade... and no one has ever told you that there's a quick and easy cure... however you got this notion that quitting my job, going for massage... learning to let this beastly thing be who I am... is the only way to keep being me...
I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how to make my brain tell my tongue to say the right words... most things now are do-dads and things... I lost capability of intelligent thought... of remembering to do the tiniest things... and thank your God I only have to take care of me...
I know I have to make decisions i know there are a million things that need to change... but as much as I can't change you... the things you've done and said that hurt me... your dirty little habits and all the htings I don't love about you... You cannot take this away from me... you can't fix it... fix me.
A hundred doctors in a short little life... and you think I need a second opinion? What do you think this Doc's is the first... Please. When I complain.. I complain about the moment... not about the past... you think this is new... a year new... Alberta new... You new... but it's older than the sands of time... and I doesn't matter who's bed I lay in... I am still laying there... not moving... watching all function die...
So just shut up and let me be this way PLEASE. You talk like you know... but you don't. And I hate when you sit there righteous... You're not... actually anything you've said to me has been wrong.
Lots of people go through this and they deal ok... how would you know? When have you sat with them behind closed doors? Have you seen them cry in the shower and hide in your sheets? You haven't. The difference is i know... I've been here before... and I know that people fake they're cabilities so they don't have to listen to the shit that you talk... look at the proper ways that you walk... watch you move like a king...
It's more frustrating for you...
Well fuck you then.. Obviously you won't ever comprehend what it's like being me.
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