� under the slate grey sky � 2001-11-07 � 11:00 p.m. �
Hi you...
I am gonna cry for a bit cuz I think you'll understand. I am not doing well. I slept all weekend... barely saw the sun of day... then Monday I could hardly get out of bed... Tuesday the same... so I went to the Dr. He told me I have the flu... and I cried... it's crazy i am like this alot and he says it's the flu... so my dr. called my boyfriend in and we had this discussion about my health... since my boyfriend sees it in a different light... anyway, my doctor is testing me for MS. Nice huh?
So sometime I have to go for a CT scan... apparently it is likely that it won't even show... there's a possibilty I could have it... show symptoms and not be really diagnosed until I am 40 or so... and until then???? I dunno....
And today was my third day off work... I got ready to go... tried to blow dry my hair... but couldn't. So I called my Mum in Montreal... and when she reminded me her arms aren't long enough to do it for me... I cried.... and cried... I cried all morning, with every word and every breath... I dunno... fear maybe? frustration... and all my dr says is I am depressed... now tell me... how would he be? Like it's abnormal to feel like a freak when you are?
So I am sad... and I wore my Superman T-shirt to boost my ego... but it hasn't worked yet. I look at my cat laying on his back with his legs spread for the world to see what we shouldn't... and I almost laugh - he looks like a dork... but when I go to bend down to pick him up... I wanna fall over... and then he's too heavy... he only weighs 7 pounds.
So I feel like a kid... with a very old body... I feel like a girl who's never been given a fair chance at an ok life... and I feel like it'd be easier to know it's bad... to know whatever this is will kill... at least then there's an end.. you know?
I knew you'd know....
Can you see how things have changed me? Can you see without your eyes that i am not even a shadow of the girl you laughed with in college... that I don't smile much... Maybe one of Swan's classes... sitting between you and Matt would do me good... Maybe we should meet again in Intro to Mac... start all over and never leave....
~I killed a cock roach so big... it left a puddle of pus on the wall... when you and I are lying in bed you don't you don't seem so tall... I am signing now cuz my tear ducts are too tired, my mind is disconnected, but my heart is wired~
I never forget the first moments I share with the brilliant people in my life... the people that balance me when I have done.
Miss you so much!
Love,
me
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