� My winter � 2002-10-28 � 9:04 p.m. �
I've had time to think about you... and instead of hurting less... you hurt me more.
I don't know how many times I can listen to you... be objective... and still be happy. From you... I've heard it all.
We all make choices in our life... that were best at a time... and not so down the road... we all say things we didn't completely mean... we all have actions we wish we could take back...
I've forgiven myself concerning you... I forgive myself for loving you in ways beyond us... I forgive myself for stripping down in front of you and just standing there... partly like a child wounded... mostly like a jackass.
And I forgive myself for moving on despite you... for knowing that you were hurting... for giving up when you asked me to...
But I still don't know what's real for you and what's not... I hear the same words from your mouth - in cycle.... you've changed... you're sorry... you want to follow your dream and carry on...
But what dream, my friend, is that?
You've had so many.... I am lost.
I want so badly to be a best friend. I want so badly to say all this and have it mean that I am looking out for you... but honestly, you jade me.
And finally I don't want anything from you, but to hear me.
I wonder sometimes, what's wrong with me.... what was wrong with you... and how someone like you... and someone like me could ever get tangled in a friendship this deep.
I don't know why a stranger leaving pains me... but it does... you do...
I know you're like me and don't think things through... you just do it.
There's so much at stake this time.... if I weighed enough, I'd wrap myself around your leg like a barricade.
I can't talk around this one... I can't put my gut into words... but I know you shouldn't go this time.... I just feel it... and that isn't enough to stop you.
We've come a long way haven't we, friend... we've learned a lot.. cried a lot... fought a lot for nothing and for us.
And this time I don't struggle for words to live by.... I am struggling to mean them.
Forgive me... I am trying to be everything you need... all at once.
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