� my thoughts what are those? � 2003-11-09 � 9:54 p.m. �
I don't want my life to be a constant fight.
It is... even living happily... I am always fighting to be heard...
I am not here... not in this relationship... ever. I am the instant bitch... wrong... ridiculous... really what do I know? I am just a girl... well I am certainly not him... and his opinion, after all, is the only one of worth.
I am generally strong in who I am. I am not anymore.
I am trying to make him understand me...
He cannot hear... no matter what I do.
For everytime he hangs on me... paws at me... the further I am going to get.
It's been over a year his bitched at me for being distant... for being drawn... well for FUCK'S sake... I have had it up to fucking here... let me breathe... and I'll come around. I promise!
Maybe I am an atypical woman... that's fine by me. I deserve respect... respect for the things I have lived... for the things I know that HE will never know ANYTHING of.
What doesn't he get about that? Why doesn't he see that pulling at my pants all the time or having is hands up my shirt might make me feel cheap... How could that lead me to want to be close to him? How can he not see how I associate that with the asshole who spent a year doing the same thing...
Why doesn't it sink in that negating everything I say IS making everything an argument... and why won't he just understand that by NOW I shouldn't have to point out the things I hate... and he shouldn't fucking do them just to get a rise...
Can we see how this isn't working... how it might not in the longer of terms if it keeps up.
I certainly can... but to him.. I am the "ice queen". It is wearing me thing.
I can't stop loving him.
Only, I don't want affection from a man who continuously and purposefully tries to annoy me... who has no respect for my thoughts... for my past... for the words I speak or for the blood I've spilled between birth and him....
I hate to break his ideal of a perfect life... but I know more... about living, love and grief.
And I shouldn't have to defend my convictions to him... I shouldn't have to talk just to be shot down before I take my next breath.
Fucking albertan chauvinists...
And talk to him? Why bother... it's easier just to tell you... you'll listen... and you might even understand... talking to him turns everything into my fault... and the last words uttered will be... "If you have that big of a problem then leave..."
That's usually his solution... only last time I promised the next time I would... and I will.
I happen to love him... I gave up everything familiar to be with him... I gave up almost everything... how could I expect him to change a little...
How ridiculous would that be.
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