� reality in haze � 2003-09-11 � 8:13 p.m. �
I am hating reality... life, death and the memories that fog in between.
I am tired a lot... more than usual. I can sleep for hours at ANY time and it's like breaking my legs to get out of bed for work. I am never satisified with the sleep I do get... and I wake up... eyes puffy, face swollen, like the Sandman beat me with a bat in my dreams.
I am sensitive... that's usual, I guess to who I am... but lately I have sudden bursts... however brief... of tears and relapses... I taste the poison in my mouth as I swish around questions I can't answer... And it hits me suddenly, that this IS as good as it gets. For me at least... and for now until I die I will battle my body this very way... always.
We sat tonight and watched a documentary about 9/11... I think it was called 911: The President's Story. I cannot put into words how much I abhor what he stands for. I can't disregard him as a person... we have never met... but professionally he stands for EVERYTHING I despise about mankind... and he stands arrogantly in front of his people... the leader... and I gag more when his people stand behind him as his drones.
My stomach turns... the king of hypocrytes gives word... shakes hands and kisses the babies... babies whose parents he, as a leader, has killed...
And it was there I cried... and cried hard...
I am as tired about hearing of tragedy as I am living it...
I need release.
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