� Shockley is gone � 2003-09-07 � 9:50 p.m. �
I am not sure what brought it on... but my mind suddenly filled with a memory of you and I moving to sultery sounds in the dark of our lives...
How you are, and always will be such an intricate part of me... you filled holes for so many years and still with every fix you broke something. I can't imagine what I would be sans toi... but I sort of wonder would it would have been like for us both.
I miss you like I miss my childhood... my virginity... like the years lost to retribution... I miss you like I miss when I was strong and forever able....
But, i am glad you're gone...
I am glad the days of you sneaking in to sleep beside me are over.... that I don't taste you in the morning... or smell you when I try to sleep...
Even as much as I miss you... your face... your eternal beauty... the way that I know you love me completely... and your eyes when you look at me... I'll never find that in another man... ever... I'll never find that devotion... not even in my children, I know.
But you are a plague for me... a weakness in the guise of strength... you are everything I know but I shouldn't... and you are the drug it took me a lifetime to break.
I am angry girl inwardly... and I suppose I always was... you were just angry enough for both of us and I stood back... like a chinese fightening fish you were meant to swim alone.
And I can't forget how you pissed on my soul... above those who stole from me... above those that beat me... you know, ten years now, and I am finally realizing that knowing you was much worse than cutting my thighs with your dick... or wrecking my life.
I wish I had the chance to say this... the chance to lay history out on satin sheets and spit on it finally....
We tell ourselves, as people, that time heals all... but all time does is fester... and make us regret... no choice is ever right... in retrospect.
I should have let you die.
I wished I knew how to walk away as a kid... how to say "fuck you" and mean it... but the drone that I was I always went back to you... sacrificed esteem and a future because I couldn't learn to live a life without you.
How I've grown up, my friend... how I know... How I have become....
When will you learn... or will you ever learn that you can't two step in and out anymore... not of my life.. nor of my memory...
This is it... and I mean it...
Famous last words... and you took them all wrong.
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