� The ocean is grey... � 2003-09-04 � 7:50 p.m. �
I falling into depression again...
The first time in years... well, almost years.
I KNOW I am falling because I know what falling feels like.
I am not scared - incidently sad, but not scared of it.
And, I don't want drugs. I know this.
I am unhappy at work... I have reasons that might be chalked up to the darkside right now... or reasons that could be truth... but either way I have to restrain my mouth not to get fired... about thifty-five times a day.
Blair says I can quit. He doesn't mean it. I wish he did.
I hate my hair. Maybe only because I am depressed too... I hate the way I look... my tummy... my legs.... I hate my face... my blood... the veins it runs through.
Not much can change that.
I hate too when I say I am sad that I need a reason... I don't need one. I usually don't have one.
Today, I do. Lacey is on my mind. I woke up this morning and remembered instantly that today is 10 months since her death. I can hardly believe it... I lifted my head for a moment... and laid it back down the next in salt and misery.
And I wonder if I would miss her so much if she was living... if this is a grim reminder of how I take the ones I love for granted... If maybe I don't miss her life so much as I loathe what her death brought... to my family... to Nathan. I love him so deeply... and I hate that his has this huge hole in him.
I wonder if knowing what she is missing hurts me more.... that she's missing Nate's baby.
It's not that she died that I cry over but what she left behind...
What does that make me?
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