� Full Circle � 2003-08-17 � 7:51 p.m. �
I am home... and I am kind of feeling a little unwell.
My weekend was fine enough... fun enough...
But I held back a on Thursday when I usually make a habit of breaking down on the 14... Fully, truly, deeply, and completely... and I know inwardly that isn't the type of moment I can push back... eventually it will find me...
A pay-by-the-minute shrink once said I should crack up once a year... for all the wars I have had to fight... i deserve one day to be crazy... Personally, I think SHE was crazy and that's why I stopped associating altogther... but some advice was invaluable...
Memories of the worst beating of my life are hard to fight... and I don't forget to remember when the day rolls around... but I don't talk much about either... and never to anyone who knows me... It's digusting how the done-wrong feels all the shame.
We walked around the Fringe Festival a little. I was in pain... mind wondering... we stopped in a store beside Fargos and the sales guy chatted me up a while - I sat on his couch - he served Tracy. It's amazing what you can learn of a man in a half an hour. *laugh* That he isn't married, but he has two small children... 4 and 2. He has family in Beaverlodge. Tattoos, he claims, like everyone else who has one, are about being different, and expressing ones self. He was covered top to toe in ink.
He had a lot of expressing to do, I guess.
He cocked his brow when I suggested that maybe BEING DIFFERENT today means being without body art or piercings of any kind... intrigued... "Yeah, man, I guess you're right. You're the first girl I've seen in a long time all clean that way. You're pretty though - don't need it."
Tattoos don't accentuate beauty, they defame it.
Making people think early on a Friday night.
Yesterday we went to West Ed... it's a zoo... all the time. I was tired and managed to throw down a few hun really quickly on nothing. Meh... this was my holiday... I wasn't going to penny pinch.
We played games at GalaxyLand. I suck... Blair did well and together we had enough tickets to buy the COOLEST pen on Earth. I named it Cassius.
There was a sweet boy in line beside us who had his eye on a toy... he asked his mum and she said, sadly, he didn't have enough tickets. The boy looked devasted. He didn't cry but his crushed heart shone through to his eyes. I wanted to give him all mine, but Blair wouldn't let me.
Later last night... I discovered I had about 100 tickets in my pocket I forgot about. I felt SO guilty... and I wished I could go back to GalaxyLand and track the wee boy down. I still feel bad about it.
Seeing Grandpa was nice... I also got to spend time with Blair's other aunt and uncle I have only met once before. Like the rest of his mother's family, they are outstanding people...
Sometimes, I feel though, there isn't any more room in this heart to give.... but I know that is just me being tired... not the truth.
We went to Ikea... what a gong show of a store THAT is. BUT I do have our new family room and kitchen all picked out... and I nearly bought a crib for the child I don't have yet. It was designed for the convenience of me. And there I dropped $30 on placemats and tea towels.
I want to know how I got so goddamned domestic. It frightens me...
And now... full circle I am beat down to the best of them.
I watched a movie last night called the Sweet Hereafter... a modern version of the The Pied Piper of Hamlin... Canadian... interesting... I am still thinking about it...
But it is time to find food and my bed.
There is nothing like the comforts of home.
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