� tired babble � 2003-08-08 � 10:21 p.m. �
I am rolling on less than three hours sleep....
Maybe rolling is an over-statement. Muttling.... snailing through.... whatever you want to call it I am doing it... and doing it well.
I can't even begin to express the importance of a regular sleep pattern for a girl with my.... my.... my.... physical oddies... my maladies.... my unexplainables... Nor can I express in layman's terms how it COMPLETELY fucks me up to vary at all from my habitually poor sleeping habit - whether that be sleeping through the night (which I am not sure I have ever done - EVER) or not sleeping at all.
I am even too tired today to be miserable... and nearly too tired to laugh hysterically... or be sarcastic... to make jokes or roll my eyes. At one point the boss said to me "Manda, SMILE, Dear, life isn't THAT bad..." and I stood there.... crackwhore circles to my knees... piles of work to my chin... and I gave him the BIGGEST... CHEESIEST smile, from ear beyond year...
He sat back in his INSANELY comfortable chair and belly laughed for what felt like ages...
When he left... I stole his seat and a few minutes of silence in the dark of his office... I knew if he came back, he'd probably work around me or avoid his office altogether to let me sleep. I appreciate that about him. But a few short minutes was enough to get me on my way for the rest of the day....
I nearly collapsed when I came home.... and I've been in a zombie state since.
I've been trying, the last few days to help a friend with his journal... making a banner (for lack of a better term)... signing him up for a guestbook, a counter and an email address that doesn't belong to me... you know... I have YET to receive his password for the guestbook... I don't know why... and I guess I don't care, not tonight anyhow.
I am weary altogether of his writting... and if you read this, I hope you take it for what I mean and less for how this sounds... I am not sure I am prepared to walk on the path, he'll inevitably take me on... prepared to 'watch' him be sick and TRY to get well... I suppose I fear the worst... and I don't know I should read it.
Besides which... I know many things are best left unsaid... unknown... and I fear too I learn far too much of what I shouldn't...
Worse than sex... the truth will ruin a friendship.
Don't we know it.
And still his effort amazes me... the strength of a man who would otherwise keep everything to himself... and in his own way, he would twist things straight... I like how he tried things his way... and now he's trying them mine.
Cheers to you... you deserve them.
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