� The war is what killed me. � 2003-07-24 � 7:08 p.m. �
Things are so definite in my life... and so changing... and the confusion of it makes me dizzy... too dizzy to stand half the time.
I need someone to remind me of my roots... to remind me I AM all the things my boys say I am... I am not sure it's true, but it's good to hear, ya know... easy to lose yourself that way... and lost can be healing, when where I am isn't where I should be.
We juggle our life together like a circus stint and I weigh if that's what I want... he can spit out the words "then leave" so easily... without a flinch... I am soon to... and he doesn't see it.
It seems unnatural for me to always be at fault... like I am the one-man-band... I rule and fall on my own.
It's getting hard to be everybody... the devoted... the keeper... the release... the loving friend... and ex with shoulders of cement and a platinum soul...
I want to be there and listen... and cope... heal... but I am only one small girl... not strong enough to hold my own... and I am sinking slowly in the mud from it all...
I need help... and I can't help myself... and elements of fixation... taunting me to be her again... they kill me slowly... slowly as I dream.
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