� heads together � 2003-07-21 � 8:03 p.m. �
I was up for a good part of last night crying in pain... very true tears... long tears... hard tears...
My boyfriend has a habit of lecturing when I cry.... he thinks, for whatever reason that it's THEN he should voice his invalid opinions about my health... but it is THEN... in the midst of torture that I don't give a shit.
I want him to admit that he doesn't know the first thing about pain... least of all my pain... that he doesn't know ANYTHING about blood disorder and neurological problems... and he doesn't KNOW that my pain is circulatory oriented from lack of mobility... but he speculates... YES he works in a hospital... but unfortunately, for us all... not in the right field.
I want, when I hurt, for him to sit up with me... and hold me... not say that I'll get a hug if I go to him... The point is, afterall that MOVEMENT hurts like hell...
And after 2 years of this on and off... I am not sure what I can do, beyond simply saying it everytime... that a hug is all I need to help me through... save me the melo-drama and the make-belief for another point in time.
It frustrates me.... But I asked him tonight if he'd consider helping me with home physio... After 23 years of it, I should be licensed... but I can't do it alone... Mum usually helped me... and Grants when I lived in Fernie... It's simple but it takes time... and patients and persistance... all of which I am uncertain my boyfriend can commit to... even for my benefit. We will see. I guess it's unfair to expect anything.
Shannon and I spoke today about my legs and brain... the benefits of me working less and taking time to be better... She understands my need to be around people... my need to work as much I can handle... we talked about medecine... and Baclofen... the pro and cons to being on it again. She says it's scary and maybe she's right....
The idea of having my brain controlled by drugs again makes my stomach turn.
There are so many things I want out of life... a little diplomacy... a little normality... is that asking too much?
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