� first breath � 2003-07-08 � 2:19 p.m. �
I was offered free tickets to Theory the Deadman Saturday night here in town....
The perk of business...
I wish I was feeling better... I wish they weren't playing the Corral...
I wish the swelling in my hip would go down enough so I could take off the string bikini and wear real underwear...
Admittedly the ties really help the ice pack.
I got ambitious this afternoon and stretched a little... back in the day a full gym routine and basic yoga stretches kept me alive... I thought I'd skip the iron and go for moderation... I am not a stupid girl when it comes to my own fittness... I am an invalid and I know how to work around it...
Unfortunately I was in no state and I cried... as hard as I did this morning in the shower.... like tiki torches taken to my thighs... and swords to my bassin (the english word I simply do not know... funny how that happens sometimes)...
Regretfully I have to accept that I am in no shape to live like the rest. I am debating a disability claim... I think a life devoted to health might be better than a life fighting it. It's just a hard surrender...
I've fought fo so long... and what for? For nothing, really.
Above all.. I don't EVER want to hear the words 'suck it up'... I am more likely to bite it... I don't ever want to see eyes of false acceptance... of false understanding... I don't want anyone to pretend like they know... fuck you, you don't.
Above all I want to hear someone say it's ok, and MEAN it... to tell me that I've fought hard and I CAN give now if I want to... I want someone to pass me a handful of pills and a sip full of water.... and kiss my forehead as my throat pushes them down.
I am tired... and like a child, I want only the comfort of my father's arms.
~This life is the hairshirt I wear, and the hairshirt I wear is woven with my own brown hair... This soul is the cross that I bear so bear with me, bear with me... be with me tonight.~
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