� Confessions � 2003-07-04 � 5:14 p.m. �
I woke up thinking of you... maybe because you came to me in dream again....
I know today is your birthday and it hit me between shampoo and conditioner... and I leaned against the wet tile to cry....
Missing you doesn't get any easier... regret doesn't thin away and for every day I am here and you're not I am reminded of how juvenile I can be.
I finally have a tree... on my balcony... a small blue spruce in a pot. My cousin gave it to me... and I brought it all the way from home. I've named it your name... and as irony has it, he's sort of dying... His needles are fair like your hair... and he's thin... tired looking...
I smile everytime I water it... and everytime I water it I think of you...
Over and over I can't stop wanting five more minutes... to talk... or say nothing... I can't stop wishing we had walked the same path for once... if we'd both gone to the same school... just anything so I could have been there... for you... maybe for me.
I am not a strong girl, Hunny, and some days I wonder if there really is a chair you sit in from above... I wonder what hold you have... I am losing my grip...
It goes beyond simple grief... I hate most when people say it takes time to get over it... or by now I should be... Goddamn... what have they EVER lost in this world that they could simply just forget and go on living the same...
They haven't my memories... my senses... they don't know how it feels to be curled up in your arms.... or pinned beneath your weight... and they NEVER will...
And no one, but you, really knows how much I miss you... We could have been happy if things had been different... but I understand why they had to be as they were....
Crying over you makes me tired... and I wish I could stop... but stopping is almost like accepting you're dead... I don't really think I am willing to do that... memories so fresh... and fond... I haven't much to hold on to, I should be allowed to have that... or maybe I am wrong...
I hope you're well, wherever you are... and that you're enjoying your day despite these confessions.... I hope you're warm and happy, and pain free... I just want for you now what you never had then... and if I could give it to you, I would.
And if you are above pulling weights for everyone else, baby, pull a few for me, would ya? I am trying here... and generally I am ok.. But i could use a little supernatural angel strength to get me through these days... If you can give that sorta stuff away, Hunny, I want some... please
Like you writing my math tests for me wasn't good enough... *laugh*.
Baby, I promise I'll make it up to you... someday.
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