� Almost lost it � 2003-06-27 � 9:25 p.m. �
The day... filled with rage... and tears of sadness....
I was furious at my boss today... for the first time in the 2 years I have been there... I wanted to, and was VERY close to telling him to fuck himself and this job... but I managed not to... He, however, could tell that I was incredibly angry at him....
S. leaned over my shoulder and whispered "That's right, Hunny, you've got him by the curlies..." Leave it to her to make a bad situation light...
And about a half an hour later he came back to my desk and said "Amanda, I am very sorry, for everything..." It didn't make everything better immediately... but an apology was all he could do... was all I wanted.
I understand his frustration... I caught him shedding a tear or two over our piece of shit copier that cost him more than I make in two years... I sat with him a moment and listened...
"I don't know what I am going to do, Manda... about the Roland. I hate it. I shouldn't have bought it. Because of it, my family hates me, my clients hate me and today, even you said you hated me." He was honestly crying.
I didn't say that. I said working there was nothing but a big fucking joke... that I DID say... but I never said I hated him. I don't... and I am greatful to him... and for him... as a boss... a father figure... as someone I KNOW I can count on. But he made me angry this last week, he treated me like shit every time he turned around and I am NOT the type to sit and take it... regardless if he pays me. I told him my wage wasn't enough to put up with his shit... and if I had to anymore, I wouldn't.
But I have NO answers for him... and I can't make it better for him... I also can't be passive and let the world we work in tear me apart.... but it's starting to.
He knows I am far more talented than what I do... he knows I have potential... he knows that I am always a stone throw away from being better... and that my job bores the hell out of me. I saw today that scares him a little... I could make that work for me, but it's not the time.
Tonight, he bought us dinner.... as a going away for L.... as an apology for being a dick the last few weeks...
And as I picked up a chicken finger S. says rather boldly... "Manda, after this afternoon, Hunny, I'd use your other hand...."
Ahhh and the rest of the day melted away in laughter... I forgot I was angry... I forgot I was sad.
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