� Someday � 2003-04-28 � 10:28 p.m. �
I need a holiday.... and whiskey... and a real poutine with all three elements proper in colour, texture and taste....
Sad when that is my fanatsy.
I am annoyed constantly by people and their nature... people being ignorant and inconsiderate... not willing to help, if only last moment when it suites them.
Since when has the world spun around individuals? Or maybe it always has and I've never been so frustrated until now.
I believe I am helpful... and usually I'll drop whatever I am doing for a quick second to reassure, give word, notice or need. I don't turn my back on anybody for anything. Ever. It doesn't make me a saint... but I do it as it's what I would expect of others to do for me. And my shades haze over in pink.
Last week I offered our former roommate a place here to stay for the summer. Despite how we never got along when we lived together... despite moments in a past I am still jaded from... depsite how angry I used to get, I welcome her. And if up to me, she could stay until the fall for free. I've put differences aside to help her... to make it easier for her. I don't take pride in my decision necessarily... but if the tables were turned I would hope, and in her case I know, the same would be done for me.
A guy I work with is becoming a father in the next few days. He and his girlfriend are broke. They have nothing for their child but a change table and a bassinet.... they don't have enough for a car seat, or a proper crib and I have to wonder if they can even afford, at this moment in time, the bare necessities of life...
As a group at work we've decided to provide for the child what he can't... for now. And as a group, I am sad to say, people are rather tight with their dollar... ten here, twenty there, and I thought for a moment today.... what really is money when a child needs to eat... and a warm place to sleep? What is money when a child needs diapers and bum cream.... and a soft teddy bear to call a friend at night? If I was dead broke and I needed help to welcome my child properly into this world... but I was too proud to ask for it... it'd be nice if someone would help me.... no strings attached. It would be nice to know that nobody thought for a moment just how much it would cost them.
Apparently I am the only one.
And tonight... to prove my point a little further... I asked a simple suggestion of a few and I got nothing more than three words spit back (and I appreciate even that)before they were to busy and gone... yes people are busy, granted and understood... but who is truly too busy for a moment of kindness... who is too busy for a friendly word?
Everybody but Benny and Mr. Parker it seems.
I talked to Mum the other night and poured my frustrations on her a little... she reminded me that life is made of moments... and it's important we make the most of them. Breathe the humanity back into them .... wipe dry the irony... and paint with what we can.
Most importantly she said she's proud she raised me to see the spin side of things... to be selfless in the ways that I am (even though I could count them on one hand)...
She says I've given a lot in my life to people who needed it... offered a lot... but you know I feel I've really gotten nothing back from it. Nothing. I am constantly trying to stay afloat... I am treading with one arm out for someone to grab and I end using it to save them instead.
I wish I was selfish enough to mail people an invoice for my time... some days I'd like to... for every minute I gave to you... I want one back. Think of all the times I listened to you cry... about a boy... and sickness... and done-wrongs. Think of all the times you called me hurting for a fix... how many hours it took for me to talk you down... Think of the moments I put my feelings aside... my opinions and let you walk all over me... I want something back for that.... I do.
And when I want something simple from you... you talk quickly... and you go.
So what's it worth to me? Is it worth always helping to never be helped and to stay misunderstood?
"You'll get back you gave... you will..." she says...
"When you're not looking.... Someday."
And my rose coloured shades turn black.
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