� fabulous before me � 2003-02-27 � 10:33 p.m. �
I want to talk about it in honesty... in knowing that I don't like this city.... that he would like my home as much as he likes his own... despite the preconceptions of Qu�bec the rest of the country has conjured up for him to eat.
But he doesn't seem willing to talk... thinking maybe that it's another one of my weak moments where I have a chance and I take it. Well, yes, I guess that's it.
"What makes you think you'd get it?"
I know my strengths... and as modest as I am I know that my abilities are broad... I can be more than what my business card says I am, I guess. I could be a proof-reader, a copy-editor, a graphic designer, a journalist, a communications director, a PR rep, a photographer, a freelancer... I could be a broadcaster if I wanted to be....
I could go back to school if I chose to, to be a lawyer or an interior decorator... a fashion designer... a kindergarten teacher....
I can be anything and right now I've settled, partly for him and partly for me... because I like the wholeness that is me when I am with him.
But I lack beauty about me... and culture... I lack the sight of skin beyond white.... as strange as that seems...
I lack the small shops on cobble stone walk ways that sell sarongs for cheap... and festivals... good music and laughter... and water... and museums... pubs and restuarants.... Thai food and Dim Sum.... and Les Canadiens. I miss the Queen Elizabeth and the awe in standing on a carpet John Lennon did.... All those things amaze me about a place, in all my travelling I know I belong... undoubtedly.
If I have a chance to have that again, is it wrong to want to take it? To at least see?
And maybe it is... life is stable now, isn't it? Between us we gross twice what my father made in year, before retirement, that is. And I don't just have myself to consider anymore.
My mind keeps shifting today... to my Gram's saying "if you see a penny, pick it up..." and I live by that unliterally.
Last night I dreamt I was pregnant... I was happy about it. I felt calm... and confident and glad to feel tiny feet pushing fiercely against me...
I woke up strange... different... pensive... Contemplating the future... and then an opportunity is handed to me.... Irony always in my face.
I am definitely not ready for motherhood, but I it brought memories forward I've hidden away...
It made me wonder for the first time in ages... It made me dream a thousand what ifs....
All day i thought for that one reason alone I should never settle for anything less than fabulous.... and then I look beside me now and think, that is exactly what I am living now isn't it?
I am not settling for anything... I am making a small sacrifice on a chance I could or couldn't have... for sake of what I value most.... for a future between us... and that is what unselfish people do in love and life....
That's why letting it pass me by means nothing despite what I miss.
Unexpected irony is heavy but learned.
The lightness in my day was an anthrax scare that involved a box of envelopes the City bought from us.
The City called complaining that a fine white powder was coming out between the envelopes recently delivered by courier... and shortly after the RCMP showed up at our bay door poking around and taking sworn statements...
They snooped and found a tin of white suspicious stuff.
Presses use offset powder to adhere and help dry the ink and control cling between paper during a run... it isn't viral... and it won't kill you...
There was a greater chance the white powder in THAT tin was blow, but no worries, the cops tasted it....
Mmmmmmmmmmm offset powder.... Tastey.
We were told to dress pretty tomorrow, apparently the city called the newspaper a little prematurely....
What is the world coming to?
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