� Long days � 2003-01-20 � 3:24 p.m. �
And the second swipe of her sword comes when she keeps me in bed, instead of up and ready for work.
She hits me again as the day goes on... staring down what brings me comfort... pills... and drink.... Whiskey.... codeine.... like I am 17 again and my thighs are bleeding and my heart is torn... images of dead boys and bloody hands every where around me and I can't escape but in drink... and pills and a nice guy who gives me both for nothing.
I cried this morning.... for the first time since Lacey died, I think.... and I cried about helplessness... about disease.... I cried over the echo of my boyfriend believing I need therapy.... and the dance of him not believing he is the only therapy I need.
I cried because I have no control... and I don't want to fight... I want to give in.
I had an early morning dream of noise and rape.... I think I was half awake... i tried to speak but I just couldn't... I tried to move and I was paralysed by fear and condition.
I think if I didn't live in a building so secrure... I'd be sure it happened.
Realism chokes me sometimes... words and terms.... the things I know, the things I've tried... and I have tried for years to over come what pains me.... but I don't think anybody's degree will really bring back what's taken.... I've tried before and their degree was useless....
Understanding was found in a cold drink... and later in a friend who has nestled me snuggly under his wing..... he feeds me security and love when I need it. Like an old man and his crow. As to which I am, that's for him to decide I guess.
Life is seemingly easier... things falling in place as they should... as I need them to... and still I am more aware now that i am the girl of many boys and loves... of a past so big it could swallow me whole.
I am the girl who has secrects from the people she wouldn't otherwise lie to... from the people who love her enough to help her through and enough still they'd probably kill in retaliation of her sins.
And it never ends... it never gets easier and I wish now more than I ever that i had stepped with a lighter foot then. I wish I had been a normal girl in all her shape and glee.
I wish my problems were a simple matter of right or wrong.
And it's depression that does this.... anxiety... and fear. I see it... i recognize it... and today i embrace it like she's welcome here... like she belongs - a part of me... and I struggle hard not to drink... though done already today... and I struggle not to swallow more than the recommended dosage of whatever vile of pills lands from the cupboard into these hands....
I don't want to die... i want to hurt less.... and most of my pain is physical... but physical pain hurts so much sometimes it affects me in other ways... It's exhaustion mostly... and knowing that this hurt comes from places so deep, you could peel my body down through skin and muscle and never find the seed.
It's days like today i probably would have been better off facing the world.... a reality as opposed to the grim of my psyche... i would have been better off...
Instead I lit fire to ice and I watched it melt away.
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