� Tango Shoes � 2002-08-26 � 7:37 p.m. �
~I have brought you nothing but pain. The more I know you in a different view, the more I see that. And it fucking kills that knowing me has hurt you so badly.
Blair was right. I should have known about this. I should have known about this then when I was in a better position to do something.
I know you'll be coming home soon and I won't be able to look at you the same way. I'll probably cry in my own shame. The evil that made me found you.
I'll want to come to your window, dance with you till the lights burn dead and spoon with you until you sleep. I've been missing that and missing you.
But the next time you're home you'll have your boyfriend there. If he isn't there in body he will be in soul. Everything between us will have changed. Our purpose has changed completely.
My head is in so many places right now, Amanda I can't even think. I remember you - this wonderful, beautiful girl I met at a ball game in Montr�al. She had the most amazing eyes and the craziest hair I'd ever seen and I knew we were soul mates. Not as my lover, but my friend.
I watched her grow from girl to woman and she kept nothing from me ever. Or not that I knew.
I ruined her. I introduced her to things that would change her life drastically.
I don't know how you can honestly say you still love me. That I am still your friend. Friends aren't as ignorant as I have been. I thought I was your protector, your fighter but I was really the trigger in your mouse-trap, wasn't I?
And I am sorry, Amanda, so incredibly and indebtibly sorry for the string of events that played out through me.
I've decided what I thought I never could. I don't want to see you again. For the greater of goods. For you.
Please understand my need to walk away.
I don't want you to cry anymore. I don't want you to hurt. I think if I go now you won't anymore. Not new tears and not tears because of me or the things done to you inspite of me.
I can't change what was, but I can have a hand in what will be.
Here and now or later and far away I will always care for you in a way no one ever will. There's something about you kid, that saved me. I owe you everything. And I owe you this.
So as much as this breaks me to do - Goodbye. You're beautiful. I love you.~
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