� Tired of trying � 2002-08-18 � 5:06 p.m. �
Once again the evil fingers of Fate twist and pry the lives of those I love apart...
And part of me feels guilty for not being a better friend... for letting distance and time come between us... for not being closer - even though possibility prevented it.
And I couldn't help but cry...
I didn't know her dad but the stories she would tell me... I didn't know more than he was her best friend.... they were bonded by blood, love and junior hockey.
I hate how lives tear people apart.. that the time difference squanders our calls... that we don't see eachother everyday like we did in school... laugh together or bitch about the same things. I hate that life ever-so-slowly drove a wedge so deep it took this long for her to phone me.
I hate when I am left stuck for words... when all I can say is "i am sorry" and i am sorry doesn't mean a thing. I hate that I cried on the phone... like she needed to hear me... but with the break of her voice, I saw her heart crumble and it tore me apart.
And I am here - thousands of miles away from Halifax... away from her... and I have nothing but a few tears and cheap words to offer her... Like everyone she told between his death and me... all I can say is the same thing.
Over and over... a broken record of unfulfilling sympathy poors from me... it's sincerety there, but shadowed by the mustiness of it spoken already.
More times around than I can count... and I am still really bad at coping with loss.
I haven't found the perfect words... I haven't found the right way to cry silently and still be more sorry than I could ever truly say...
I am filled with grief..... filled with uncertainty... and none of that... none of this belongs to me.
I never said I understand... i don't... I can't. I know it's hard... but i don't know how hard. I know she's dying inside but i don't know how deep that is...
I know what I felt at that moment... when the words fell of her tongue - crystal meeting concrete...
All I could do... as a girl... as a friend.... was cry.
I apologize for being emotional... then... when it was least needed... but you're my friend... you're hurting... I love you.
I'm sad.
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