� 9 o'clock special � 2002-08-05 � 9:00 p.m. �
He wears very thick goggles of wrong.
I can't live with each word I say being stupid, crazy... or ridiculous.
Everything not said the way he would... the way he thinks... isn't right... shouldn't be heard... can't be considered. Why waste his time?
I honestly don't know if I can make it through this...
The only way I am heard is if I break down and cry... cry and scream and repeat everything... over and over again... Even then I think he only hears what he needs to and disgards the rest... denies later it was ever even said.
It's my fault i am unhappy here... I need to lighten up, not take things personally... but to what point do I start taking the "jokes" about how little I pay here to heart... to what point am I suppose to stop being his lover and start being a roommate?
We fight about our scarifices... I gave up a whole world to be here... and I don't think that holds weight for much. I had to live with someone he used to fuck... had to eat with her... see her... watch her dance around him... I had to tip toe around her for ages after I was here... we couldn't kiss the living room or the kitchen... not if she was home. My being here depressed her...
And yes, he's dealt with a lot too...
He's supported me financially when I needed and does now too... mainly because I am lazy... And I appreciate it hugely... but I thought compensate by buying our food more often and the things we need. I guess I stopped seeing this as a down the middle type of living arrangement.
My bad.
And I've been sick since I've been here... with Lord knows what or why... and I realize it must be hard to live with me... pretty much a zombie constantly...
It's so easy for me... It must be much worse for him.
I complain a lot... I have a LOT to complain about. I've lived long and hard and I am sick of taking punches for nothing.. i am sick of life and when my one source of release degrades me... it's just ONE MORE THING for me to HATE.
I've earned my right to bitch... It's taken me years to believe it.
I am not as dumb as he would like me to be...
Where do we fit in?
~ The pictures left will remind me. ~
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