� Flooded heart... broken mind. � 2002-08-04 � 12:00 am EST �
A guy I grew up with killed himself five years ago...
He's been on my mind... his final moments and what they were like. What he was thinking the whole time before he met the trigger... His pain, mostly...
I feel his heart break everyday.
He was truly a magnificant man, but hugely unappreciated... No one ever cried that they loved him until he died.
And that's the way it always is... isn't it?
A few days before I moved away... a few days before he knew he was going to die, he stopped while I was waiting for a ride... a casual conversation... about how things were going... my excitement... his life... and things were fine.
It ended with a long hug... a "take care" and an "I love you".... nothing unusual, I had known him my whole life.. i was moving away.... incidentally, so was he.
Thank God for those three words... Six days after that his mother found him, gunshot to the face, in the field behind his house.
His death was planned years before the date... investigation found no matter how good the people around him would have proved to be... he was destined to die by his own hand.
I cried for hours the night I heard... I sat on the sundeck in the back of my uncle's house... and my aunt held me... it was all at a bad time for me... it always is.
He loved Spiderman for as long as I can remember and it wasn't until he died that i understood exactly why.... Their connection was clear then. Heroes in their own right.
Last time I was home I visited him at his grave... I knelt down and rubbed my fingers across the Spiderman carefully etched - clinging effortlessly to the side of his stone... I tried to fill my head with images of his red hair and freckeled face... but somehow they ended up mangled with hauting visions of his death... it disturbed me to the point i still can't shake...
I battle death around me constantly... like a disease, it seems.
And today i wish I was close enough to lay flowers over him... and shed a tear for the world we've all lost without him...
Like always on this night... three candles will burn in front of me... One for Love, one for Spirit and one for Peace.
I miss you... more than you ever thought I would.
~ This is where I live... this is where I do my screaming... ~
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