� no end... not much for light � 2002-07-27 � 7:18 a.m. �
Everyone is asking me if I am ok... if I will be...
And the only answer for you is I don't know.
Whatever is eating me has no end in sight.
I don't have much for comfort lately... Blair... and that's about it. Everytime I talk to Mum someone is dying... someone else giving birth... and though it evens itself out in the end... the weight of death is a vice... squeezing happiness from my memories of home.
Everything piles up and it drowns me... makes me heavy and my body just can't bear the consequences I unvoluntarily have to face.
The past soothes me some... people who know me deeply... who care, call and write. Strangers who have written me to tell me they live similar lives... who have similar obsticles... even if it's just carrying a cup of tea without it dancing and jumping over the sides...
My ex used to make light of my shakiness... 'Baby... those hands can make anything dance...' in the worst American hick accent his Aussie tongue could spit.... and still it makes me grin inspite of not being able to carry anything right.
I'd like to be a kid again... you know... have back the years I lost to life... somewhere between 15 and 22... where I can obsess about boys, my nails and my hair...
Where I can search for a future... a place inside me and be oblivious to the fact it doesn't even exist.
I wish I had the time... to sit back and watch the sky... and not be angry for everything it has thrown at me.
I wish my biggest problem in life was mistake I made in love... and getting over that... I wish I could care what people thought about me... even a little...
But I am in no position to.
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