� Superman's Dead � 2002-06-08 � 8:10 p.m. �
The pain... and guilt... the inability to overcome my own weight and get out of bed... to go through on plans made.
I hurt all through last night... I felt heavy and on fire. I was hoping the morning would be better for me, but it was only worse.
making my tea this morning was an effort... I couldn't stir it without spilling over the sides... I'd left inches at the top to avoid that... and carrying it to the next room... it danced side to side and over the edge... hot tea down my wrist....
I stood in the shower for as long as I could... in no time my legs wanted to give way to the pressure of a body above them... I had to lean against the wall for the rest of it... I tried, but couldn't bear it.
So I curled up wet into our bed.... and cried for over an hour before Blair heard me... in pain and in frustraition.. in weakness and in anger that it has to be this way. I forget what it's like until it hits me again.
Then I slept all day... dreams of hammers and vices... squeezing pain... fire and the the tingling of cold in my hands and legs.... my kidneys felt glued to the matress and my arm too heavy to move off my chest. I stayed pretty much in the one position for the rest of the day.
Blair called and cancelled dinner with his friends tonight. I feel rude. I didn't want to go but I feel bad knowing they were probably ready for us to show up.... but I can't move around without aching... I can't think in sentences beyond "I don't want this anymore..." and "I want this to go away"
Even now, as I type, my right arm wants to bind itself to my side. My elbow is made of mercury... my finger tips are razors.
Blair keeps asking me what I want to eat. I don't. I don't want to eat or sleep... or move or think. I want to pass up any sensation of life today.
He tells me not to feel so bad... that people understand... but they can't.
The frustration lays in not believing what my doctor says this is exisits....
To me it's just another catch all end all when they're tired of looking for reasons... when someone takes up too much of their time.... when they have to work for a living...
Find a new doctor... he isn't the first doctor who has looked me up and down.... prenicious anemia.... lasting effects of a premature birth... side effects from a leision that hasn't bled in over 20 years.... "Just the way you are kid - tough it out."
I am beyond caring why... I just want it to stop...
I understand too much when I feel this much pain... accepting is a different thing. There's no middle ground for me... there's nothing much better than this... just days where I can get through it.
That's not good enough today.
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