Vividly

� Avert my eyes � 2002-04-12 � 7:42 p.m. �

I have more thoughts than blood cells today... at least it feels that way....

I am tired of the inevitability of death...

I am tired of grieving... I am tired of loss...

I want away with sickness... and accidents... i want rid of that deep stabbing pain inside when my mother says the words... "She's gone."

Nothing can prepare me for the heartbreak... Not a years' fight... not twenty...

No matter how close I once was... I can never be again... I have no other opportunity than here to say how sorry I am.

And that's my pain.

I can't count on both hands the people I have known who have died in the last two years

you know...

Somedays I feel like the last one standing... and somedays I wish I wasn't standing at all.