� Banging on my rib cage � 2002-02-03 � 8:04 p.m. �
~She was tied to the truth like truth was a chair... with the bright interrogation light in her eyes.~
And my truth is... I should have probably taken time off between jobs to get well... I am sick.
I am losing weight like I have weight to lose. In the last week and a bit - over ten pounds. From 111 down to 99. I don't have ten pounds to give.
I worked hard to be a normal weight.. a healthy weight... a weight where I couldn't be played the bango on my ribs...
But they are back... I am still not back to the wieght I was before I came here... thankfully... but I can see that coming fast.... I can feel my hip bones... just covered over with flesh.
This body is a battle and I am losing... fast.
I was looking at photos from the wedding and i look ok. I am standing snuggled tight under Blair's grandpa's arm... big smile...pretty face... not dead thin like I am used to. Another... Blair and I together... hand in hand over a table... I look so much like Mum.. I am kind of proud of that.
I am trying to eat... but again.. too much food makes me sick. I don't intend it, it just does. I try hard for three meals a day... and lately, I am right on lucky if I can hold down one.
And I am not anorexic... I like food... and I don't binge... but there's something about this frame that is dying to be so damn thin...
I think I needed time for me... to relax.. to find myself... to sit in the sun...
But I am go-getter... so I am told... I do things in passion.. and I think... well... I just do things in passion... Not that I am going to regret this... I have my own limits I don't inted to exceed - this time.
If I get too sick to carry on and live ok.... then this time, I am going to walk away...
Mum says I fight much too hard for what people think is normal or right... She says I've forgotten that i am the only thing that matters... that money will always be there in some form... that jobs are a dime a dozen... that she knows my health, my body and mind are failing...
And she tells me I have tp practice this "I am all that is important... my job does not matter." *rolls eyes* - Ms. Dr. Phil.
So I worry a little about my work.. that's what keeps good at what I do...
I am hoping for smaller jobs at this new place... little for billboards... big men with large gobs... very few books, I hope... no more foundation... Live Theatre... or GPRC... I think if I go to bed and think of all I will not miss...
My dreams shall be sweet.
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