� The Crystalids � 2002-01-25 � 3:43 p.m. �
I feel like something inside is trying to jump out.
The last few days... uneventful for me. Sleep. I vaguely rememeber my boyfriend coming to bed last night..... tracing my face with his fingers and saying "You awake? I want to talk to you, I haven't talked to you in days... I've only seen you sleep."
Yes we live alone together in a small two-bedroom flat... we have to pass eachother no matter where we go.. and apparently I haven't said much in passing for days.
Thinking makes my brain bang suicide against my skull... moving tears it through matter like a bullet through flesh... I am very sorry I've tried to avoid it. I am sorry there are some pains I just can't endure.
And yes I know, he'll probably drag me to the hospital... like a puppet to his will.. and they'll do everything... and say nothing... but migraines.
Hmmm weening oneself off chemical producing... chemical sustaining... chemical balancing drugs... is like drilling a huge hole from the top the head to the toes.
Do it slowly... so the pain lasts longer I guess... ween every so slowly like a baby from the breast... ever so slowly staring hundtreds of pretty yellow pills down each night... wanting so badly just to swallow them all...
Controlling need lights a torch under temptation...
My father fills me with confidence... I am young... I am beautiful... I am talented... I am strong. I am a go-getter... I don't waste time... 21 with school behind me... probably permantently... I made the right choices... I saw through fancy degrees... B's and PhD's... the xyz's of high society... saw through... moved past... on my way to something that might satsify me...
Will this so-called career sell me pretty yellow pills at a decent price? Will it take my pain away?
Hmmm I feel like an animal lately... i am ugly.. I have welts on my throat.. bags under my eyes... can't eat... but I can puke fine. I shake when I want to be still... am still when I need to move... and music... bad music but it's a tune none-the-less... drums to the suicide beats of my brain in my head.
What are you awing about? have you never been addicted to anything before? Have you never had a crave you couldn't control... a man maybe?
Fuck you if you haven't... You don't know what you're missing... it's human will... it makes you stronger... it forces life when there's very little left to hold on to... It's power... above creation... and it molds a beast from the most subdued... the least unwilling...
I don't have an "addictive" personality.... I just have one. I didn't choose this... it was a choice thrown upon me... "It will make you easier to live wil.. make things better... your boyfriend will see a difference..."
Like I care what he sees...
I've made a habit of making mistakes only once... I am don't give second chances when everything will end the same... but this time I did.
I allowed this metamorphisis.... I did it more for him than for me... I could have told him the outcome before I took the first pill... but I did it to give us something to hold on to... some hope... maybe... a fighting chance... I did it so the me he met could be the me he kept...
But today the song I sign sounds more like this: Fuck the responsiblities of a loving girlfriend... fuck the responsibilities of a woman... I am going drug free.
Sometimes It feels like a war that I fight... and then the pounding inside... reminds me... this is only my life.
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