� Somewhere... in the sea � 2002-01-08 � 8:28 p.m. �
I'm amused by change.
How people change... how I have... how my life has... and the lives of those I tangle with. I am amused that i can leave province... once... twice... three times... FOUR and yet so much.... stays exactly the same.
Spent the last two evenings on the phone catching up with the long lost. You don't realize you miss them until you find them again.
I am sick. I am depressed. I don't like my mind, my body or my face... but I love my laugh. I love the feeling of laughing at my past... at stepping back, looking upon... and seeing the humour for the second time.
Tonight... i spent over an hour that way... laying back.. remembering a place I found enchanting... people I found endearing... and I job I found exhausting... Gina and I rolled down every memory and it's so much more fun with the accent. "I'se HATES my JOB!"
Life is a little like a tree falling in the woods... for the sake of the greatest clich�... How do you know you're missed... when you're not there to hear, see it or feel it.
Sadly, it's wonderful to know that you are. I hated my job there... but I loved everyone I worked with the finest pieces of my soul... I don't think there was anything I wouldn't have done for them... except stay. I never forced myself to fit into a position I knew I hated... i couldn't force myself to work those brutal hours for near starvation... I was brought up that way... to aim for higher... to aim for happiness. Still, I was never bitter... never hasty... never resentful... they are good people... working much too hard for too little money... they are good people who don't want to leave what they know. I didn't have that keeping me there...
What i took home with me, I cherish... Culture is the greasest taste... to be dropped into somewhere that isn't yours... to watch, to learn.. and to, in 5 months... convert. It's above any school... any Bachelor of anything... any PhD.
I am glad Newfoundland is a part of me... I am happy they remember me... and speak of me... carry on my trademark phrase. I am glad my name relieves the tension... and sparks up the next round of talk...
Gina told me how she looks over to where i used to sit... and can still see me sitting at my desk... arms raised or pulled back stretching... legs out straight doing the same... "Amanda, Girl, what are you doing...." (meaning I have a 32 page paper to lay out and only a few hours left of my shift)
"I don't know, Gina.... I need CHOCOLATE!" and out the door I'd be across the way to Dave's for ice cream or a bar... if not to pick up my laundry.
And she said she remembers thinking a few times I wouldn't be back... But i always came back... if not to finish my paper... to help her finish hers. The insanity of such a basic job is beyond comprehension... until you are there.
I wish I had someone here to share my time there with. But may hysteria live on. May moments of stress turn into moments of laughter... may you all get a chance to relax....
I wish all our talk was good. Sadly though, some things are not so fine there... and though you won't read this Melv and family... I am thinking of you tonight... and always. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in dealing with my pain, I forget that it could be worse...
I hardly ever pray... for lack of my one true truth... but tonight to your God, I do.
May He guide you through.
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