� another day to come and go � 2001-12-05 � 11:22 a.m. �
I don't recommend this feeling... but today it amuses me.
It feels like my body weighs nothing... has no stregth, but my head, my arms and my legs carry all of the world's weight and then some.
I couldn't get up this morning. I tried for a half hour, and I just couldn't move. If that's paralysis, I can see how it makes you mental. Then a few hours and odd dreams later I woke again. I could move this time, but it felt like my face was stuck in a dense cloud of dust and dirt. Hard to breathe.. hard to keep my eyes open. Hard to see.
And when I forced these feet to hit the floor... it was like swords tearing up through the bottom to my back... Up my spine to my head... and again I couldn't move.
Fear of pain... fear of thought... fear that I took my last steps last night, and didn't know.
Alone, I fall back... stare at the ceiling spinning.... different frames of who've been and who I am becoming... weighing what I like and hate most about it each.
And when self pity runs to the point it can't anymore... off to finish a book... a book that could cause me my job... the first job I love.
Off to the kitchen to erase away the smell of bad spinich... sitting there for days. Sitting there because i am the only one who knows how to throw it away. I guess. Because I am the only non-feline that's been avoiding the kitchen the best I can... because I am the only one it bothers maybe.... Though I know if Linux could talk... he'd be thanking me.
To the shower i go... hoping my balance will be faithful enough for that. I never know these days... my legs are worse than a casino game. My mind the sunken gambler....
Why try when the odds are great against you.
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