� We built this City � 2001-11-30 � 6:28 p.m. �
Dear Brother,
I love you. I love your eyes. I love your smile. I love your talent. I love your heart.
I grew up with you.... I looked up to you, I learned from you. I watched as we grew... as you grew... as you turned from boy to man...
I watched as every step you took looks like our Dad's... I was watching... I was learning.
I watched you through Boy George, Lover Boy, Brian Adams and Bon Jovi. I watched you sing and I saw you dance. I remember the day that Guns 'n Roses touched your tongue. How you made me listen to how unsatified Mick Jagger was... how you made me realize that Led Zeppelin is classic... and if Page and Plant ever die... legends like that won't.
I was watching when you died. The day I'll never forget... not the day, not the year.... I in a burgandy shirt and grey pants... you in a white t-shit... blue ball cap and Levis. Always Levis. In a grey car... a Parisian... I remember the warm weather, I remember the afternoon sun... and I know that sun haunts you still.
I remember the feeling of sorrow... of darkness... the shakiness in every one. I remember your tight grip... your shock... your tears... My God, those tears... Bless them... back then you knew how to cry.
I went to bed a mess hat night... couldn't eat, sleep ot talk without crying for days... i changed with you... so did Mum and Dad.... so did Cameron... though we're all too much a Gagnon to say so.
You thought you had to be brave. You thought you could go on living... But breath, my Boy... doesn't mean life. You stared death down that Day... I know you can tell me what life really is.
Though you live in body... though your heart beats... you've been dead for ages now. There's nothing living in you... what was blue is black... what was pink... is blue... what was warm.... is beyond cold now.
I don't know you where you went. Maybe that wee boy took you with him... Maybe you're waiting somewhere on the other side. Your mind doesn't know what to do with your heart.... it doesn't know how to heal.
Somewhere you convinced yourself artificial pleasure is still pleasure... but it's only an artificial life. Hash won't bring you back you back to me.
I miss you. I don't mean I miss you because this country lays between us. I miss YOU. I miss the boy who taught me just about everything I know. Who protected me from dirty boys with dirty hands... I miss the man that drove across this land to say Hi... who spent Thanksgiving with me... when i was missing our family...
The other week... I told you what I never wanted to... You said it was just another thing to think of. Don't think of me at all... think of you... the living you. remember him... Remember the Muppet Dance... and The General Lee... Remember the Mother Ship... and the Light Sabres... fight, Boy, fight... Remember the Power is with you... You believed that then... and believe it now.
I don't want anything from you at Christmas..... not this year... not with the problems you're having. You are my gift. You are my big brother... my protector... and everything you've ever done for me... is gift enough this year.
One thing I hope you do... is think of Mum and Dad.
Our parents have done well by us... we're not sheltered kids... we're not spoiled. We appreciate finesse..... all of us artists in our right. We appreciate sentiment... and we couldn't give a fuck about the material world.
They have done so well by us... teaching us what it is to work for what we have... never giving in to us... that in itself is an accomplishemnt above all else.
Mum hurts. She talks to you and she hurts... Don't blame yourself for that. It's a mother's job to live her child's pain... and those tiny shoulders can hold a lot more weight than this world can lay on them. She's tough. But she wants to help you... and you should let her. You should listen to her just once... let her try... just once... and if she'd wrong... then she is...
Her blue-eyed blond is drowning an in despair.
I am not a critic. i am not going to judge you.... ever. i am never going to tell you what you do is wrong. I might hurt me... but you have 4 more rounds on me... what do I know that you don't? Nothing... everything I have learned... I've learned from you.
So brother... This is how much I love you. I love you so much I'd do anything to keep you ok... I'd give you my last breath, if I knew you'd breathe again...
I wish the boy I stared in wonder at would.... stare at me too.
My God, how I love you....
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