� Fake Plastic Trees � 2001-11-14 � 9:05 p.m. �
I am mural of thought.... I can't sit for long... or I'll think... of yesterday or today and what tomorrow may or may not bring me...
I spoke to a friend last night... he strengthens me and weakens me all at once... my affection for him was incredibly intense... unlike any I've felt before... and sure it stems from our past... but it is slow dissloving...
He and I have nothing in common, except the other... There'd be no good reason why we connect, but we did... we do. And he told me last night that he thinks he should have never let me go... when he did... but he says he wasn't ready.. and that he may be now. "Probably a lot more ready than I care to admit".
Yeah i was mad then... the hit of rejection stings deep. But I healed fast.. It was less about him and me and more about him... helping him and loving him... because he felt no one did...
I did.
And now isn't good for me... Now I have what I wanted in him... and now I don't have to work at fixing anyone... at making them whole.. at making us one. I have that... My love is real, my Lover is perfect and the life we share is whole.
Now I have too much deal with, I couldn't carry the weight of his world.
And now... no matter what he says... I couldn't handle seeing his face... I couldn't handle being pushed back into a world that was never mine to have... I couldn't survive standing on the outside looking in... I couldn't live the consequences....
You hurt me to the soul when you said I am beautiful.. that you forgot what that beauty was... I don't know that you ever forgot any of it... I don't know that you ever really wanted space... I think you're just afraid now as then to admit what you want... and what you need... and it's worse now you know it has passed you by.
I would have given you anything....
once upon a long LONG time.
� previous � next � comments � diaryland � old �