� Star Seed � 2001-11-09 � 11:24 p.m. �
I can remember a childhood where I was really happy... where I had fun. Being the baby with too older and sly brothers has it's falls, sure, and though the lessons were rough, they were fun.
Back to the days of climbing trees in the swamp behind the house... making houses with old boards Dad lets us use... nails too crooked for any use... but somehow we did it and it help up. And when that tired us, off into the woods making forts with fallen trees, ferns and brush... Idiotically having little camps fires in there... playing cards, telling jokes. I know Mum knew what were doing. I am sure she knew about the matches and all the junk food we stole from the pantry, but she never said anything... maybe she didn't want to spoil it for us... and maybe she knew if something went wrong, we would learn.
I can remember summers filled with play. Usually just the three of us... well the two of them and then me... tagging behind or being used as a target... Playing football with two sets of pads... netiher of which I ever wore. Road hockey... I the goalie... and yes I had protection, but the knee pads were so high I couldn't see the ball... and when the boys would touch me, I'd fall. I think my favourite time of all that play was when it rained. Water never stopped us from being outside. Usually the sign of rain just revved us up for a game of mushball... or soccer baseball... the dirtier we got, the happier we were... Mum would be standing in the yard with a hose full of water colder than ice... and she'd soak us top to toe until we were clean...
I can remember the wars fought between us as kids... we're close in age... we always wanted the same things... and then one wanted privacy... then I was the only one who didn't care about privacy... and then we ALL wanted privacy... which could never happen in house as small as ours.
I remember all the times they hurt my feelings... and I can how they'd hug me when they realized I was hurt.
I remember the day Cam ran me over with his bicycle... he broke my new glasses... shredded my leg in his chain... and he carried me all the way home... kissing me and telling I'd be fine. He sat on the edge of the tub with me and help my hand while Mum cleaned the grease and picked out the rocks. I was looking at the scars on the back of my left leg and heel yesteday... I grinned in thought of how great he was to me.
When I was younger... the first day of every school year was stressful for me... i couldn't ever sleep the night before. Mum and Dad would far lose all patience with my anxiety... but my brothers understood. Cameron would often crawl in beside me at night, and we'd talk about things... and he'd tell me what I could expect... *laugh* I don't think he was ever right... but he made me feel safe. The summer I spent in tremendous back pain... Cam sat up with me for days on end... getting up every 4 hours to give me my drugs... sharing stories of all his travels... making me laugh... making me forget why we were up.
Ray is my guardian. My protector from the forces that hurt. And I cry at the thought that i am not and can never be that for him. I needed him a lot growing up... to fight for me... to be my strength... to protect me from the boys with bad thoughts... bad hands... but like anything and anyone he could only save me from so much. And I can't even do that. I here him speak now... and I want to cry.... I hear how far is is from who he was... and I cry... I understand my mother's pain... I feel it too... but I lie to her and I tell her it's phase, that he'll be ok... but it's not... and I don't think he will ever be ok. For you, I pray.
Childhood was sweet... My brothers are my comfort and soul... and though we are each a lot different then the kids we were... we are better friends now than ever...
Hold on to them like the wind wants to steal them away... your brothers are the only people who truly know what you were... and they are the only people who will love you for who you are... no matter what wrong turns you've made along the way.
I wish I had my brothers here with me now... to fight this force that hurts me... and to make me feel safe.
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