� Farr from my reach � 2001-10-14 � midnight EST �
~We missed Fate's appointed rendezvous and then a whole lotta time went by.
One day you were done worshipping the landscape you they just put down your hands and moved into the sky.
We had barely said hello and it was time to say goodbye.~
I am sorry I was never good at keeping in touch... I am sorry I never saw you while you were sick... I just couldn't.
I didn't want to ruin my memory of you. Because, that night... the last one we saw eachother... the last time we touched and spoke... I'll never forget it now... not a detail.
I dreamed of you yesterday, and it was like we were there. I could feel the cold wet grass beneath us. I heard the voices of people past. I felt the anticipation, the saddness of thinking it'd be a long time before we met again... but I never thought of forever. By the way, I took a tape from your car that night. Pearl Jam and Jer... if I could, I'd give it back.. But it smells of you... and I liked that.
I wish we could relive just once more... I wish we could really be there together... I want to feel you hug me again... I want so badly to smell and taste your neck... feel your weight on me... the pressure of your body squeezing mine... ironicly, like it was the last time it would. I want to hear that you've missed me, that you love me... that you always had, but never had the balls to say it.... but this time I want to admit that I love you too. And I wouldn't tell you you were squishing me... and I wouldn't say "Not so tight, it's not good bye..." and you wouldn't say it was. Maybe this time my ride would never come... and I wouldn't have to run off so fast... Maybe this time... if there was.
God, I've missed you this year. I know you asked us all to plant a tree for you... and I've tried, but you see my boyfriend and I live in a condo and it's not like we have a yard... I am hoping a plant will do. Cuz I could never stand to disappoint you.
There are so many things I never said... I guess there always is with death. So many things I want to know... about you, your life, and how you are now. Did you suffer, or was it calm? Are you ok? Is it everything you expected... everything you wanted? is it everything a star like you deserves... I want to know if you miss us, the way we do you... and I want to know if you see me when I am reminded of you... and cry like a kid into my hands... Can you see me now? can you hear me? Can you feel my heart break? Can you help me Chris, when I can't help myself... Can you forgive me for the things I never did and never said....
Will you remember me the way I'll always remember you?
It's been a hard year crying over you... but I am doing ok - sometimes. I know I am never alone.
But, I'd be better, my friend, if you would find your way home.
� previous � next � comments � diaryland � old �