� for honour � 2007-07-22 � 3:04 p.m. �
My friend is being deployed to Afghanistan in a couple of weeks...
I'm devastated and I want to cry everytime I think that my sweet boy will be in war... I thought maybe lying about how I felt and putting on a brave face would be the best way to handle my grief... but I know better and I talked to him straight up about it... about how, even though it's selfish, I'm dying inside at the thought.
It's not him being in the front... it's not that I doubt his ablity as a soldier... Actually that's my one comfort; I know he is the most trained man in Canada for his job - it's the part that his job is the most dangerous job on the line that worries me.
It isn't death that scares me... it's change.
I'm not sure there's a difference at this point... but I won't watch the news for the year he is gone and I'll NEVER survive it if I hear his name on the radio or watch his body come home to rest.
He tells me his own sacrifice is worth it... to keep the kids of Afghanistan safe... give them one of the freedoms he's known... it's why he's a soldier, he tells me. I believe him... but though it's worth it to him... it's not worth it to me.
He knows it's always about me.
And so he says he is doing it for me... haha... clever boy... doing it so my kids don't have to know war... don't have to fight America. He's fighting for Peace and he's aware of how stupid that sounds...
But it was it is.... and he could be a hero, or he could be my broken my heart.... he's going to leave a lovely man I grew up with... a man I love whole-heartedly...
He's going to return a man I don't know... a man with two voices... two hearts, two souls.
He's not even gone, and I know I'll lose.
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