� ~I got some fancy shoes to try and kick away these blues~ � 2006-11-10 � 11:02 p.m. �
It was snowing hard tonight.
I went outside to walk... alone in the cold.
To think, I guess... it's been years since I have really let myself think - years longer than I thought it's been.
The flakes were falling like tiny crystals... like the stones in my ring... I twirled my band beneath my mitt with the same pace I kept my breath.
I missed him. Bathed in orange by the street lamps... bathed in grief... I missed him.... him and everyone who has ever let me down... all the Grants and Marcs, Jeffs, Mikes, Thors and Nicks of the world... they are all one man to me... I missed them anyway, least for the time being.
I haven't seen the snow fall like this since 1998... since the winter that shaped me... and made me... since the winter I shifted from girl to... well to another brand of girl...
I haven't walked in that since the night I left his place with his palm still on my cheek... I haven't thought hard since that night... through that sting... and I remember saying that I wouldn't stand for it... for abuse of any kind. I was greater than that, you know... than fists and words... and blood and hurt. I remember thinking that when I could feel the heat of his headlights on my back... looking for me... looking for forgiveness... looking for the my face... and my eyes... and the way I never make anybody be sorry for hurting me.
I spun my wedding band a few more times... to make sure I could still feel my hands... Lord knows I could barely feel my heart....
I remembered the night I found another one laying on his front step drowning in his own puke... I was a little girl then... and as much as I tell myself I'm grown enough to overcome the image of it... I can't. There is nothing like that.
There is nothing to compare the fear of it... nor the shade of blue that washed his lips. A dark man gone grey... a good man lost... a little girl hit from behind...
We sat there in our t-shirts... and our wet hair.... and we waited.... and I still don't have a clue what we were waiting for... I was waiting for him to die... and hoping like hell that he would. But he never does.
I wondered what he looked like last week... I wondered if it compared to that... or if it was worse... and I wonder who found him and how it felt. I remember how it feels. It hurts. I wonder what he eats that makes him so fucking invincible...
I wonder why he couldn't remember the way the snow was falling the first time... the way I sat there warmed by my fear and my hate... with his head in my lap... I wonder why that's irrelavent to him now when I still hate blue because of it.
People are selfish. And I saw in the trailed mark of my left foot tonight... I saw it in there, that all of this is a pattern. Every left step looks the same. There is no fixing it. I am who I am... and I am not greater than letting people hurt me. I am not greater than letting my friends use me and dismantle me... and I probably will never change.... and other than here... I don't set myself free... I don't talk about it... i don't say it, definitely not to them... I am still that girl back in 1998 with a bruise on her face... kissing the man who put it there... finding in him, my good.
He loved the snow. Growing up in Sydney he didn't get any... unless on holiday in europe with his family... he loved it. He loved the way it "danced on the way down". He loved the way it sparkled in the dim of the night... in the city's glow. I loved how he loved it. He also loved orange.
I came home tonight... froze to my core and no more clear then when I left...
The ringing broke in echo off the emptiness in my house...
"I was thinking about you tonight, baby... It's been a long life letting you down."
It really has... and I wish he was the only one who does.
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