I hate today. 2006-09-02 11:43 p.m.


I feel like the world is caving in on me.

I woke up with swollen glands and a pounding headache... and emotions so slippery... like soap on my skin.

I stood over my cooktop this morning... in an effort to get rid of the last few days' wear... and the tears tackled me. I stood there... with my elbows in cleaner... and cried. I cried with my head in my hands... like I cried the day my ex died.

I thought of him today... a lot... I guess since he's the closest man to a husband I've lost... and I wouldn't want to repeat the pain.

I remembered too that this is the weekend a childhood friend shot himself back in '97... and I still can't forget... I can't forget his last hug and kiss...

I was in Fernie when my parents told me... i didn't know anyone yet... other than my ex whom I'd just met... I was sitting in the sun of my uncle's deck... looking at the Ghostrider creep up on Hosmer... I couldn't get enough of it... I still have never found peace like I found there... and Grant came to the back of the house to find me sitting there... face soked in grief.

He never said much... which I suppose was never bad. I'm terrible with the accent... I still am, so I've learned... and when he caught my view I said "my friend shot himself in the face today."

He didn't know me... this man I met in the rain the week before. He didn't know me from any other girl who worked downtown really... I was just the girl in the blue shirt who lived in the blue house... who wouldn't call him...

He strattled the chair from behind me... he wrapped his arms around my middle...

I sighed... "everything's dramatic when I'm 17 and life keeps raping me."

He kissed my cheek... not once... but three times... the third being the longest... the warmest... the hardest...

"Everything's dramatic when we're lost."

That moment has played in my mind over and over today... Those words are screaming at me... I paint that truth over the dark circles under my eyes... I see it in the scars on my face... and I feel it when my arms shake.

Stress kills me... it always has... grief makes my glands swell.. and my head hurt... and my body wrench...

And before you say it... I can't relax yet.

I'm lost... somebody find me.


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