Stand still. 2006-06-18 7:36 p.m.


"Do what you believe is right..."

I sat alone on the edge of my tub and cried. I could have filled the tub with my tears... I painted my face like a warrior. My makeup flowing like the St-Lawrence down my face... staining the cotton covering my chest... shades of skin and pink peeking through....

"Do what you believe is right..."

When I was 15 I met a boy who believed he was my destiny... his job was to deliver me from evil... but the only evil I knew then, was his. He believed he was right... and he ruined me. I look at the scars... I feel his rape. He lives on... and I sit... crying at the edge of my tub.

When I was younger than that... and older than that... there was you... the perfect poison of my youth. Dark-haired and beautiful... golden... bronzed... a boy in a man's skin... a man in a boy's soul. There you were and here you are... and if I close my eyes long enough when I cry... I can see the blue of your lips as you shake at my feet... I can smell the sweat and the puke... I can feel the pain and panic surround me. Poison. A must... like mildew... and I thought finally... it is this I cannot forgive. Until him... until you let him defame me. And I thought, well this I cannot endure... again...

"Do what you believe is right..."

Nothing feels right. I don't believe in anything... maybe I need a cross on my chest too....

"Life is what it is...." I tell her like I know what I'm talking about... to ease her fears because I can't ease mine...

"Do what you believe is right..."

And I did... we all do, don't we? In the moment... like the tides... moments change with the moon... the tug... the push... the lull... the flow...

I was wrong. I haven't settled. I've made a choice.

I chose to walk up to my waist in weeds... because I'm a sucker for waters green. I chose to make due... no matter what lies beneath...

I need you... more than you think you need me. Right or wrong.

If I believe anything, I believe that is what we are meant to be.

"Do what you believe is right..."

I'll stand in front of the light.



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