� Don't ever let it be. � 2006-02-19 � 9:35 p.m. �
You wouldn't understand my frame of mind... so much to do... so much time I need to soak in... with so little real time to soak it in with.
I'm not sure how marriage will change us... change me... I'm not sure what the differences will be. We have it all now... and I'm not even changing my name...
I don't know what to expect... but I know this was never my goal in life... was never a plan I had... I was always pretty self-sufficient and resourceful... and yes, I admit, I know how to get my way when I need to... or at least I used to.
I'm a bit afraid of losing pieces of me... Of turning into J.... I don't want to be him. I don't want marriage and a family to mean that the people I loved before don't matter so much anymore.
And maybe that isn't fair to him to assume that's how it goes... But I can't guess otherwise. I think about him... and him and I... and my heart falls apart. The kindness is gone. The friend I knew is no longer.
I realize the committment to my husband... but that isn't a switch to yester years...
I suppose that's my fear... losing what I lived my whole life building. Strong ties. Ties that don't bend in the winds of change.
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