Of this, I'm sure. 2006-01-12 7:02 p.m.


"I feel like you're dying and that every memory I have of you will go away with you're "I do".

I can't cope with the idea of you getting married and him getting to see you everyday until the end. The idea that I won't get to see you anymore.

I haven't said much over the years to you. I never came out and said the what where of any of this, because I thought in time you'd find your way back. Because you had enough with Alex hounding you, and I know that hurt. I still know that being with me isn't the best thing for you, and I honestly don't want you to be mine. I don't want to hurt you anymore like knowing me has, but I'm not ready for you to be somebody's wife and then somebody's mother, I'm not ready for the you that I fell for, the you that makes me smile all the time to go away.

I don't think you get it. I get angry when I think that you don't. You're such a huge part of who I am, and this for me, is grief. I want to smack out. I want to smoke a lot. I want to move away. I want to jump on a plane. But I won't.

That song they play now, that English army man and his metro crush, I hear that and I think of you. You are so beautiful. I don't have a plan. If I did, you'd be in it.

God, I must have balls the size of Jupiter to write this and send it, but then it's you. You're not going to judge. You'll read the words and your night will go on.

I wonder.

Do you ever wonder about me? or think how good things might have been? Do you love me at all? Have you really moved past the days of crawling threw windows in the middle of the night for a little kiss, or a hug at the end of bad days?
Do you even hear me when I speak? Do you know that underneath what you call callus, is a heart breaking? Do you know you're the last impression, the one girl people never forget?

Do you know that love and hate are closely linked and I'm not sure which this is?

I've lost. I hurts me. Your love hurts me. Your life hurts. I want to be 18 again. I want to do things differently.

But with all that said, I'm glad you're happy, Babydoll, and I'm glad he's good to you. I'm glad you have everything you've wanted. I'm glad he doesn't hurt you. I'm trying to be happy that you are, I just feel stuck in my sorrow and in my need.

Forgive me."

Moving past the times in life that created who you are... is always tough.

What to say to that... except, my night never just goes on...

~My life is brilliant. My love is pure.
I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man. But I won't lose no sleep on that, 'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw your face in a crowded place, And I don't know what to do, 'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye, As we walked on by. She could see from my face that I was. Fucking high, And I don't think that I'll see her again, But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you. But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you.~

Maybe he was you in another life... maybe I was her... maybe it's just a song...



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