� Angels with silver wings � 2006-01-05 � 9:47 p.m. �
It might be time, it might be consequence, it might be life... but I find you running through me like cold wind lately.
I can't help but toss the idea that you were right all this time. Not that it matters anymore anyway.
I can't deny that I cared deeply... I'd never deny the years between us... most days I take it for granted... most of the time it's "once upon a time...". Some nights... nights like tonight, I can't help remembering our bigger moments... our stronger moments... the times where I can see what you've always seen...
I was thinking about that night I stopped by when you weren't home from the island... it was me, and Jared... and I should have known to go back where I'd come from, but I didn't... I remember standing on the stairs in the hall with your kit in hand when you walked in the door from the rain. I wanted so badly to go upstairs and throw your needle in my arm and fall asleep... wait for you to find me... wait for you to see what Jared had done and had you been three stairs too late, that's likely what would have been.
I heard the door click... I heard you smile when you saw my coat by your door... I heard you say "hey... Hunny..." so slowly...
The tone... the delight... the surprise... the need.... and I can see how your face turned inside out when you saw mine.
I remember you dropped your suitcase where you stood... you stood there like a pillar and opened your arms... saying nothing... and I fell from where I was into you... you wrapped around me and I wrapped myself around you...
We went to your room... and laid on your bed... I remember my black pants that zipped in the back... white lace tank... purple sweater... I have them still, I just won't wear them.
You smelled strong... expensive... and like the sun. Your skin was as soft as the cotton you wore and I couldn't tell by touch which was which...
I was angry. I hated him. I hated you. I hated me.
Your hand moved to my zipper and you tugged... almost descretely... like I wouldn't notice, like you didn't want me to at least... you leaned over... rubbed your hand over my swollen hips... lightly brushed them with your cheek... you leaned back quick enough to see me wince... I couldn't look at you... I hated you... and your face fell to the crook of my shoulder... you burried your lips in my neck... and the wet of your eyes hit my skin... the salt of your tears burned me.
You never spoke... "Hey... Hunny..." spun like scratched vinyl in my brain... I cried as hard as I could to get it stop. It didn't for years.
You saved my life then... you saved me with silence... Like a ruin... you're always there... somehow... in whole.... in pieces, but just enough of you for me to remember...
And when you call me to say you'll love me like that for now and forever... My heart breaks...
A part of me wishes you never came home... wishes that I didn't owe you... that I didn't care...
You should have said something...
I hate silence when I'm screaming inside.
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