Made in Taiwan 2005-11-01 9:26 p.m.


and she says: "I want to be loved the way people love you. The way the Jamaican guy does. I want someone to look at me the way he looks at you. I want that. I saw him the other day. We talked about you. And I could just tell he was so full of love for you."

Yes... No one will ever love me like he does, that is true. Maybe I am lucky for that. But it wasn't free. It wasn't easy and it still isn't.

How can people be so misguided? How can people think that everything is so black and white... Love is love... love is happiness. Love is the look in his eyes when he says my name.

It isn't. Love is rarely happiness. True love... deep love... takes work... and it hurts... that's why we keep it, stupid, because we worked so fucking hard for it, we deserve it.

But I grin... you want the love that we had... you want the foreverness of he and I.

I say, take it. He'll say... take it.

Our love wasn't happiness... it wasn't gifts and games and good sex... it wasn't always being there for eacother either.

It was a lot of yelling... and when we speak it still is. It's a lot of loving someone so much your brain wants to cave in... and everything they say you don't wanna hear, is like a sword right through.

Maybe that is EXACTLY the love you need. Bare boned. Raw. One that doesn't give... it just takes from you... It's a love I'm VERY familiar with.

I guess we just have very different views on the matter... you wait for it to find you.... you think it's ALWAYS going to be sweet moments and little kisses and happy faces in your jelly...

I know it's not that at all... I know sometimes it's disgusting... and it hurts... and those stupid moments your burning my ears with... are just STUPID moments that mean very little in the end of it all.

I'm a skeptic... But I've learned.

You know that asshole you spent five years trying to love and hate all at once... as much as I think he was a moron... you love him... and you know you did. The way you felt when he'd leave... that sort of twisted uncertainty that your next breath was possible - that was love. Does that smell like a heart in peanut butter to you?

No.

So I said it... more than once. You're kinda dumb. This new guy isn't gonna last... he isn't real enough. Not for you. Maybe it's not his fault, maybe he lacks reality and social skill and maybe there's a girl stupid enough to fall for it... but I'm telling ya... you are not that stupid... (though these last few conversations I'm starting to doubt it)...

You gotta work for it...

When it's too easy... it's cheap... and the well will dry up faster than you can drink. What's the point?



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