� 25 times around... � 2005-03-26 � 11:46 p.m. �
By the time I've done this, I will have aged another year... an old year gone, a new one begun...
The day is always so bittersweet.. being far from my family, remembering, if that's the right word, my strength and the sacrifice of my twin... somedays I'm not sure if it was a gift or a curse... I'm not always sure if surviving was really winning in the end...
My body aches lately... Deep within my core... behind my ribs, with every movement and every breath I want to curl up and cry... it's not a pain I recognize... nor a pain I know how to cope with. I keep hoping I'll stop breathing, and then the pain will disappear... but I'm not that lucky, and I know it.
Next weekend one of my friends is marrying...
I never asked why I wasn't invited... I know why I wasn't, but here is an expert from an explanation I never needed:
"We did talk about {inviting you} but considering how stressful that day is anyway we thought it was best not to. I hope you understand. I doubt Blair would like me at your wedding...."
I would have prefered if he had left that alone. I don't warrant an invite... I know that, and I wouldn't have gone anyway out of respect for her... I didn't expect to be best man either... but I also don't deserve to be considered an extra stress... whatever that means. I don't understand how I've become that...
I made my mind up months ago about that one... and the more he talks... the more I lose love and respect... I know the situation is complicated - more for him than for me - but I wish he was man enough to be real about it.
I've done nothing to him, but love him unconditionally... no matter who is in my life or in his... he's always so political... defies his heart for the love... he doesn't know how to balance it... distinguish it, I guess... or maybe he's afraid of it.
Maybe I'm too real for his Fairy Tale...
I guess I'll never understand. And thankfully for me, I'll never have to.
It's just a shame that his old life has to die for his new one to begin...
Happy Birthday to me...
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