This is not me... or my life... 2004-12-22 9:13 p.m.


I am drained.... life drains me... thought drains me... struggle shreds me.

It doesn't feel like Christmas. This doesn't feel like my life.

I think people misunderstand unhappiness... they take it personally... but my heart is not a reflection of what I do or do not have. My mind does not do my heart justice... I know the best people in the world. They stand behind me with torches blazing and swords drawn... I am, measured by people and love, the wealthiest girl alive. I'd fight to my death proving it.... but I wouldn't have to.

I still feel empty.... and torn apart...

Today a friend had a proposition... he wants to have a fling. No strings attached, so he says... a weekend here or there... he just wants... I don't know what he wants... the idea of it being me is ridiculous... Sadly for him, I am as loyal as loyal comes and I would NEVER consider sharing myself with anyone... and sadly for me, his thought has ruined the bond we shared. His feelings will only fuck up what I thought was a good friendhsip... and I think he needs time to re-evaluate who I am to him. I am certainly not an easy fuck... I thought he knew that. Maybe in time we can get back to good... until then... I see no room for feeding sordid thoughts...

I had a dream last night that I was so tired from life I couldn't walk up my steps... well my parents' steps, as it was... my legs were lead... and behind me came Davy... and he lifted me inside... and tucked me under my covers.. he sat at the edge of my bed and said nothing... I told him I was blessed to know him... that without him, I would have sat on those steps for the rest of eternity... how metaphoric my dream was....

I turned to him at one point and said "Davy I don't know your last name! Five years and I don't know YOUR name?!"... he leaned over me... laughed strong... and pressed his lips to my cheek... he whispered his name, laughing, and said "sleep Baby... you definitely need it."

It was so vivid I could smell the raspberries of the shampoo he used.... and the softner of the white cutoff he wore... I woke up, not entirely sure if he'd be at my side or not.

I dream feverish nonesense when I am sick...


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