� Maria... � 2004-12-15 � 5:52 p.m. �
Carrie gets my vote for beauty and strength of the year....
A girl I don't know well, but I am ever-so-glad to know just a little... every time I get a note or a letter I think... "if only I could be just a little more like that..."
Inspiartion would PROBABLY be good for me.
I feel like I am on the edge of insanity... and part of me knows fair well I need a doctor. I just don't know if MY doctor is who I want to go to with this... our relationship is less than typical... and I can see him either taking be above and beyond the point he should, or telling me I am an idiot and to shut up....
I just have irrational, violent, self-inflicting thoughts... again... I dream of pills in different colours and dream about what each one would taste like... sometimes I dream that I can feel my heart stop after I take them... and you know, that thought doesn't even scare me... I wonder if it should, I wonder if I care.
I told my boss today that I hate my job and the "dumb fucks" he makes me work with. He says I expect too much of people. I guess if a basic level of intelligence is too much, yes, perhaps I do...
He wants me to manage the department I work in. I don't want to. I can't deal with idiots, let alone manage them. I told him he couldn't handle me making the changes I'd make. I think inwardly he knows that, but I think he's half wanting to see what it is I'd do... and if I'd do it well. He should know better. Whatever I do, I do well, or I don't do it. Why the test?
Why is life a test anyway? I've had my fair share and I want to tap out now...
I don't want my friend to have a sick baby and deal with her father-in-law's death all in the same lifetime, let alone month, but I have to sit... and watch. I don't want to be helpless to my soul and my mind, but sometimes, I am.
I don't want, I guess, what it is, I just don't want to be this. Erratic... rambling... misunderstood... struggling.
The patterns are familiar to me... the aggro, the jitters... the swearing... the sleeplessness followed by the sleepiness.
We won't surive this again, he and I... not as a couple, not as friends... that should make me sad, but it doesn't.
I've lost all will to give a fuck... all I have are patterns and pills... and the wheels turning tell me that I am fat, and dumb and miserable. I know better... and I don't.
It's a cycle...
We all want something beautiful, man I wish I was beautiful.
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